Suicide isn't selfish

Hey guys!  Welcome back!  I was originally going to continue with "How we got here" but I wanted to stop and take a second to talk about why I feel like suicide isn't selfish.

"Suicide is so selfish!"  It's a phrase you hear all the time.  It's a phrase that I myself have used.  Unless you've been to that point, the point where you're ready to end your life, you can't understand why it's actually the least selfish thing you can do.

It was really hard for me to make myself understand why other people couldn't understand how I felt.  "Why don't they understand what I'm feeling?"  But, I finally got to the point where I do understand, and accept the fact, that unless a person has been to that point in their own life, they cannot fully understand it.  And that's ok!  It's ok for them to not understand!

Why do I believe it isn't selfish?
Hear me out.  Before you jump to conclusions and think I'm a crazy person who is just making excuses, hear me out.

When you get to the point of suicide, you just want out.  But you're not looking for the easy way out.  It's so far from that.  I can't speak for everyone who has attempted or committed suicide, I'm only speaking for myself.  These are only my experiences and thoughts. 
When I was to the point of suicide, I viewed myself as a burden.  I was a burden to my husband, parents, and sisters.  I wasn't a good enough mom, wife, daughter, sister, or friend.  I felt as if I was failing at everything in my life.  My husband was working his ass off to pay all our bills because I couldn't make myself get out of bed.  Then he had to come home and take care of the kids and the house by himself because I certainly wasn't doing it.  My poor mom was wracked with worry and grief because she felt like she had done something wrong somewhere down the line that had caused me to have these problems.  I was probably on the verge of losing my job because I couldn't make myself go to work.  A burden.  All I was, was a burden.  So if I killed myself, I was actually doing everyone a favor.  All of those people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.  Their lives would be so much easier if I wasn't around.

Now do you see what I mean?  Those aren't selfish thoughts at all!  That isn't taking the easy way out!  That is making the hardest decision you could ever make, just to better the lives of the people around you!

Now obviously the thoughts aren't rational.  One I got to the other side of that depressive episode I could see that.  But while I was going through it, it seemed perfectly rational.

When I'm at work and I hear someone talking about suicide, it always catches my attention.  I try not to butt into other people's conversations, especially if it's about to cause an argument.  But it is VERY hard for me to hold my tongue when I hear people say the words "suicide is selfish."  A lot of people don't know what I've gone through, and don't know that I attempted suicide.  I know they likely wouldn't be having those conversations around me if they knew.  I know they mean no harm.  But it offends me and hurts my feelings.  I just kinda get that sinking feeling in my gut when I hear those words.

Thanks for reading!  This post wasn't necessarily to change your opinion about suicide, but just to give you a little insight from the other side of the situation.

I will continue with "how we got here" soon!